Yeah, the numbers aren’t part of a metaphor

I’m sure you’re wondering about the numbers in the title. These numbers may mean nothing to you, and to me, they also don’t mean anything anymore. But they used to be significant at one point in my life. I gave them too much power, but what was a distressed 12-year-old supposed to do?

I wish I did a little research on this topic before writing this article, but I’m sure that this won’t be the last time that I talk about school refusal, the Aruban educational system, and horrible school experiences. Before a child finishes primary school in Aruba we have to do this “doorstroom” test. The results determine what school the child gets accepted to. For most parents, it would be a dream if their child could go to Colegio Arubano. The reason for this is different for every family, I suppose. Colegio Arubano offers senior secondary general education (havo) and pre-university education (vwo). Maybe it has something to do with a status symbol or living your dreams through your children type of thing. Nowadays, I sense that that’s not the case anymore.

School stress and friendships

In 2004, I was working hard to get into that school. I was learning everything by heart, answering every question accordingly, and behaving like the “good girl” that I have always been. When spring arrived, it started to get real. I just had to keep working hard, and in a few months, my best friend and I would be still operating on erasers when the classes get too boring. Before we could get in though, we had to do the test.

I think it was somewhere in March that every student, who wanted to go to Colegio Arubano, had to do the test. We didn’t even get to do it in our school. We had to go to another school. Luckily for us, it was adjacent to our school. Also, we borrowed their gym for four years. It wasn’t this unfamiliar place that we never saw before. The night before the test, my mom told me to sleep early and to ask God in my prayers to help guide me tomorrow. So I did. It wasn’t something unusual either. I prayed every night back then. But that night I took more time and was more devoted than ever. 

I ended up waking up in the middle of the night. The nerves were already getting to me. I started roaming around my dark house. For a moment, I even went into my parent’s room. My mom told me to go back to sleep. In the morning, I was even more nervous. I don’t even remember if I had breakfast, but I’m pretty sure my mom made me something. 

The “big” day

We trained a few times at our school for the test. That morning they explained to us that there would be two tests. We would start with the psychological test, which we practiced a few times at school, followed by an “omnibus test” which would take longer. The second one was a very long test with different questions about language and math. 

That afternoon my mom asked me how the test went. Even though I didn’t know how it went myself, I quickly said it went well. About two months later, the school got the results. Every student that did the test was called one by one by the principal. She would tell you your score and give her opinion on whether or not the school will admit us. Acceptance letters would only arrive a few weeks later. That faithful day was only about the results. 

Pounding heart and sweaty hands

I think she was calling all students in alphabetical order. The other class went first. Then it was our turn. Our teacher was rambling that the test results were not positive and that probably only two students would be accepted. We all got nervous. My best friend and I sat at the back. We looked at each other and wished each other the best without saying anything. I think I was one of the last ones to get called. When I entered her office, she told me to have a seat. She looked down at me. I can’t remember her face, but it must have been troubled-looking. 

-Your results are in, and they are lower than expected. You got 32 points for the psychological test and 54 points for the general test. We gave you a “havo-advies”, but with these scores, I’m not sure that you will be accepted. 

The freaking sunlight will guide you back to the classroom

The maximum score for each test was 100 points. I don’t remember how I reacted after hearing those words, and I don’t remember responding either, but I remember being disappointed and even a little embarrassed. I started walking towards my class slowly. It wasn’t that far from the principal’s office, so my steps got smaller and smaller as I got closer. Once I stood on the threshold, the class started asking me how it went. I sat down and said that I’m probably not going to get positive school advice because my scores were too low.

I remember other students being shocked because my best friend and I were at the top of the class. Luckily my best friend did better than me, and she did end up getting in. Sadly, our friendship would water down after that, which is the most natural thing that could happen, when you don’t have excess 24/7 to a device that could connect you with basically the world. 

A sinful student

When my mom came to pick up my brother, sister, and me at my grandmother, I told her about what happened. She was furious. That evening I had to hear things that, in this climate, would be considered emotional abuse. I got compared to others, I got called names, and I got belittled. 

-Look at the “Latinos”, why can they speak Dutch better than you? And why are they better than you at school? Look at your aunt, she’s a Latina, she made it why can’t you? Do you want to clean toilets for the rest of your life?

I don’t blame them. Blue-collar families want their children to do better and be better than them. They don’t want the next generation to have dirty, cracked hands as they do. What I want parents like that to understand is that despite not having fair, soft, and unstained, you can still educate children with love. 

When it got confirmed that I would have to go to a preparatory secondary vocational education (vmbo/ mavo), my parents got even more upset. Colegio Arubano stated that the results of my tests and my school’s advice weren’t good enough to let me get accepted into their school. When I got the letter the principal asked if she may look at it. She got a little upset and told me that she wanted to make a copy of my letter. After making the copy, she put a note with a red pen at the top of the paper. 

-Our school gave this student a “havo-advies”.

She then explained why she had written that and faxed it to the school. 

Stop trying to make it happen, it’s not going to happen

After my parents calmed down, I told them about the principal and what she said. I could see the hope in their eyes. Their little girl, their firstborn going to that big school in Oranjestad, where the “smart kids” go. I think they even called the school. And hey, if we had the money to lawyer up, I might have had a chance. But my time to go to that school, with the “smart kids, would come only years later. But that is a story for another day.

Ironically this “doorstroomtoets” happened this week in Aruba. Yes, this week, in March 2023. I bet there have been changes, I just hope that the parents of the present are a bit more conscious of the pressure that they put on children. People hate things that they feel obliged to do. In life, some things are not worth crying over. And stressing over school is pointless. I’m not a parent. I’m not even sure if I will have a child one day, but I’m 100% sure that I will never pressure my kids to perform in school or do certain hobbies or sports. I will not be that parent who is living their dreams through their child. 

Me, forcing myself to tell myself nice things.

Once the numbers 32 and 54 marked me, made me insecure about myself, and made me feel unworthy. Now, I’m my biggest supporter, and I only care to impress myself. Of course, I still want my family to be proud of me, but being proud of myself is far more important. And I’m proud of how far I’ve become. 

Mom, father (inside joke), if you’ve come this far in this week’s story, don’t feel bad. You were both parenting the best way you knew how.