TW / CW: Mention of suicide and self-harm.

For some reason, my sleep has been disturbed for the past few weeks, and I have been drinking more water than the chick from Smile 2. Now that I have been temporarily released from academic stress and summer break is right around the corner, my cortisol level decides it wants to fuck with me. Luckily, I have managed to fall back asleep each time after some constant turning, over-the-top analysis of my life so far, and just cussing at myself until I fell asleep again.

It’s no surprise that I started using my earbuds again to listen to music to help me fall asleep. My antisocial ass has been using them at work too. I say it’s to help me focus, but in reality it’s been helping me dissociate more effectively. Hey, school is almost out for the summer. I won’t make it a permanent thing. Only those in education can relate; the June and July “laatste loodjes” are excruciating. But blasting some nasty reggaeton tunes early in the morning while I hike to my office has definitely made going to work more bearable. I mean, having Omar Courtz whisper sweet things to me before saying good morning to everyone is not a bad deal.

The Hormone Monster

Now, this is probably going to be one random article, but I swear I have been meaning to write it for months (yes, I have proof in my IG archives). When I put on my earbuds last Tuesday night, volume all the way up, hoping that Mexico was about to fuck Ecuador (to be clear, I mean on the field playing football, not the assaulting people and breaking and burning things), I put on the self-titled album of Third Eye Blind (3EB). You know, the one that came out almost 30 years ago.

I was feeling a bit- hmm, I wouldn’t say I was down. Well, I was feeling all sorts of emotions, but I didn’t want to understand them at the time. A bit hypocritical of me, since telling people to understand their emotions, feel, regulate, and blah blah blah is part of my job. To be fair, I think it’s just my period hormones acting out (yes, it’s a thing).

Fear Nothing

It’s funny because last Sunday, when I waited impatiently for my Baja Shrimp Tacos to arrive, I saw a cute fuchsia sign in the restaurant saying “Tequila o miedo?” My first response to myself:  fear, of course. Tequila tastes horrendous, it has no nutritional value, and plus, I have no problem with feeling all the feelings, especially fear. Well, that night I wasn’t fearful, but I couldn’t pinpoint the exact feeling either (I hate that). Surprisingly, I wasn’t too harsh on myself (I usually am self-critical) and tried to tell myself nice things to soothe myself, even though I felt shitty for yelling at my husband for closing the door too hard (so, I was still being naggy with myself about being a mean bitch). I swear I don’t know how that man keeps up with me and all my moods. 

A Whirlwind Inside of My Head

Anyway, the whirlwind of emotions drew me back to one familiar album. No matter how I’m feeling, it always has this rare power to ground me (despite not relating to all the songs on the album). What I’m saying is, no matter how you are feeling or why, I think this album will make you connect with yourself and your emotions.

Unnecessary Background Information

So what is special about this album? Is it the bright red cover with the woman and the dark red lips? To set the mood, I told Alexa to change the room color to red, and I muted the TV (football narrators mostly suck). But no, to me, it’s not the cover, even though it’s quite captivating. 

I fell in love with this album back in 2013 while I lived in Rotterdam. People think bedrotting is a Gen Z thing, but when a dark cloud accompanied me to every freaking place I went back then, staying in bed was all I wanted to do, especially in the winter. I wrote about this already, so I don’t want to get into it too much again, but this album was one of the things that I kept going back to as a coping strategy and a form of comforting regression.

Underrated? Really?

While trying to focus on the football match, I started to wonder, while a few tears poured down my face, that, in combination with my night cream, itched the hell out of my eyes, is 3EB underrated? Why does no one talk about how good their self-titled album is? So, I went on Reddit for a few seconds, just to confirm my thoughts. And turns out I was right. I’m not the only one who thinks they are painfully underrated. I didn’t want to deep dive into people’s thoughts because I didn’t want it to interfere with or taint what I wanted to say about the album. However, I did end up searching for a few facts about it because I want to do this album justice. 

Semi-Charmed

Apparently, there was a lot of drama prior to this album’s release in 1997, but I’m not going to dig into that. It’s no surprise that “Semi-Charmed Life” led the way, because let’s be real, it’s the easiest to listen to, and quite misinterpreted too. I have that song to thank for getting me into 3EB in 2013, since it was widely used by YouTubers back then.

I can’t remember what it first felt like to listen to this album, but I’m not surprised that I keep going back to it for its lyricism, nostalgia, depth and angst. Some songs are poetry on their own. 

Jammita’s favorites

Since I couldn’t decide on only five I decided to put all my favorites, because why not?

Losing a Whole Year

Regardless of not being able to connect with the lyrics because it’s so freaking specific (it’s based on the frontman’s real life experience, after all), I couldn’t leave it out. I mean we’ve all been there once upon a time. We’ve all felt like we’ve wasted time and energy on someone or something, just to be left disappointed in the end. It’s the first track of the album, and it definitely sets the tone for the rest of the record. 

Jumper

One of the most memorable tracks of the album undeniably has to be “Jumper”. To me, the song is about someone talking to a loved one who has been struggling and is about to jump. Perhaps not literally, but in one way or another, ending their life. The individual recognizes that it hasn’t been easy and that whether the person ends up jumping or not, they would understand. It shows immense compassion instead of shame, which is something we sometimes unintentionally do with people struggling with mental health issues. This song is, in my perception, about suicide ideation. My favorite part of the song: Put the past away. Also, this part: 2:22 (go listen, now!).

Also, can we normalize not saying someone “commited” suicide, and use “died by suicide” instead? Look it up to see why (that’s your homework). 

How’s It Going to Be

A prominent theme in this album is heartbreak and falling out of love. The sixth track perfectly depicts the ending of a relationship. Maybe I shouldn’t compare, but it gives off the same ache as Placebo’s “Special Needs”. However, “How’s It Going to Be” is more agonizing, raw, and real. And at 2:48, it’s just goosebumps for me. The melodies are so beautiful and haunting too. 

I Want You

Ah, my favorite to this day, and the first song that I fell in love with. There is something about Jenkins’ voice that is so utterly sexy. It’s like he’s spitting words and his truth. Plus, he’s saying that he wants you a bunch of times throughout the song–aahh! Again, the lyrics are simple but quite metaphorical, and I just happen to love each and every sentence of the song. My favorite part is definitely when he says “Send me all your vampires,” which I adore. Who doesn’t love someone who is not afraid of you and not terrified to break down their layers just to be left exposed, all in the name of love? There really won’t be regrets when the worms come. 

The Background

The most haunting track of them all, from start to finish. My whole soul aches when listening to this one. It’s brutal, it’s self-harm, it’s self-destructive, and that’s all I’m going to say about it. 

Motorcycle Drive By

Now, this is another breakup song, but for some reason, it’s more on a happier tone. The song teleports you into a story, a love story, that’s ending for the best. Alone, but alive; sometimes that is the price to find yourself again when a relationship is not working out, when you are falling apart. Growing up, I thought it was weird that people would separate due to “irreconcilable differences.”  What is that even? When you choose someone, you choose them for a reason, because you like them completely. What I didn’t count on is that people are constantly changing, hopefully improving, and nothing stays the same. So shit happens, and sometimes people go their separate ways. For me that is what this song is about; saying goodbye for the best. 

God of Wine

The vocals in this one are just perfection. When he says “All alone on your face”, ahhh. However, for me, this song is hard to interpret. I had to turn to the net for this one, and I ended up more confused than I was before. There are so many interpretations. I mean, I feel the song, but I want to understand the song. Would I say it has something to do with coping with alcohol and becoming dependent on it? Man, I just want to talk to someone about the lyrics. As you can tell, this song is among my favorites purely for the vocals and the way it makes me feel.

Final Thoughts

While reading a few commentaries about the album, most people agree that tracks 12–14 are the best of the album and a perfect way to conclude a beautiful piece of art.

So, what did you think of my “mini” review of this album? They do deserve more credit, huh? I sure hope I convinced you to listen to it if you haven’t done so already. I promise it will transport you to the post-grunge late 90s with all the good stuff. 

Oh, and please don’t think I’ve “gone dark” as I did a few years ago. In the Caribbean context, we love to freak out when people talk about how they are truly feeling. We prefer the good old “mi ta bon” or “tur cos ta bon” kind of talk. Sure, the past few weeks haven’t been easy, but now I finally have time to think. I’m not distracted by academic responsibilities. I’m with myself and my thoughts again, and I’m just happy to be writing again. It really gets me out of my funk. Feelings left unbothered tend to sneak in when we least expect it and in the most inconvenient ways. But hey, there is nothing wrong with feeling. That’s what makes us alive. I’m okay (I promise). 

Thanks a lot, and till next time.

Love,

Jammita