When I was a teenager, my dad asked me a day before my birthday if I felt something strange in my body. Being the anxious and paranoid child that I was, I immediately panicked (I was always an overthinker). ‘No,’ I replied. My dad reassured me that I would eventually feel something because he had felt it before, and so had Mom. The next day, on my birthday, after we sang happy birthday, had cake, and everyone had left, I told my dad I still hadn’t felt anything. I remember him saying something along the lines of ‘that’s odd’.

A few years later, I found out (after pressuring him about this birthday-feeling thing) that he was fooling around, and that I naively believed him. Just like the time that he promised to buy me a Barbie house if I ate the leftover spicy crab mom made for the party the day before. Or when he convinced me to make Kool-Aid or Iced Tea because he claimed it would make him stronger to fight opponents in Mortal Kombat or a challenging stage in Super Mario World. So there I was, barely a teenager, and upset that there isn’t a magical birthday feeling.

Birthday blues

Fast forward almost 25 years later and we still joke about it at home, and I still overthink (chronically). That said, the past couple of days have been hard and heavy. And if I’ve come across as my bubbly, normal self, it means I can still mask my true feelings and emotions (though I said I wouldn’t anymore). Yes, the birthday blues have hit me hard this year. For a moment, I thought Christmas was over and the most dreadful day of the year is near (New Year’s Eve), but that wouldn’t be possible because I would be in a lot of trouble if I still didn’t clean Mom’s crystals in the dining room. 

Shut up!

I usually love my inner monologue, but it’s been a torment lately. Deep down, I know what I’m feeling is normal; it’s part of the process, but I’m so tired of thinking and so tired of feeling, which I know totally contradicts some stuff I’ve written in the past. Seriously though, life has been kicking me to the point that I almost canceled my small birthday gathering, with ‘The Office’ as a theme. Can you imagine how down someone has to be to do that? Still, my inner monologue always reminds me to think positively by saying that things can always take a turn for the worse, much worse.

IT IS MY BIRTHDAY.

Let’s go back to the birthday feeling for a moment. Last night I had my birthday gathering, but it wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t have the support of my people: my mom, who stood by me in the kitchen the whole Saturday cooking (we should start our own catering company after this); my impatient dad, who got things done so I wouldn’t have to (ice cream cake, drinks, and making the place cozy, etc.); my sister, who came tired from work but still managed to put up all my decorations to make the place really feel like we are in Scranton, PA; my brother, who also helped in the kitchen for a while, but still didn’t want to wear a yellow mustard shirt and a tie; my friends, who show up unconditionally; my tired grandparents, who drag themselves from their comfortable beds to come to a loud gathering, see me, and sing to me; and my husband, who made a temporary website to make the event interactive and helped me with the overall theme of the party.

Life is a Highway

With swollen feet and a heart with too many feelings (which my head begged not to cry when they sang happy birthday), I managed to host my first Dundee Awards. I tried my best to channel Ms. Kelly “The Business Bitch” Kapoor, and just hoped my family enjoyed my weird party. Yesterday reminded me that I’m the black sheep of the family, and the best part is, I think they’re okay with it.

These are the magical birthday moments. They don’t just appear randomly; you have to search for them. It’s cliché because it all comes back to gratitude and the perspective you are willing to see things through. I know that, but I need to remind myself that, as much as it takes. Life really is a highway. I don’t want to ride it all night long, but I want to live it the best way I can and know how; right now, I need to be gentle and patient with myself. 

Thank you all for the birthday wishes. I really do have so many special people in my life. My best gifts.

P.S. Until I turned 10, we had this ritual where my dad would pick me up and raise me in the air. After 10, he wasn’t able to do that because I was a heavy girl. That changed last night. Dad managed to pick me up somehow.

Link Party Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6EtJqIQAN9hkBd5kn3pgM0?pi=y1ROBOE_RjGVq&si=nKlZRdbNR0GiCQaDxk_r9Q